How to Visit the Past — and Forgive It

As I keep writing about my experience here in the nursing home, and as I keep proceeding daily toward my passage to the next world, and as I keep putting my affairs in God’s hands, I’ve learned so very much.

I’ve learned, first of all, that the Creator provides me with all sorts of support — that’s where I obtain the means to accomplish things, which makes my life less boring and keeps me busy and happy. 

I had no idea I would do the things I’m doing, like writing these essays, as death approaches. I thank you, Lord, for being so awesome and loving — and I promise to do my level best to stop complaining about my desire to go home.

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By “home,” I don’t mean where I used to live, somewhere in the past — I mean my permanent home, that spiritual place we’re all destined to go to sooner or later.

I woke up tonight, or well, I felt sort of awake. I woke up in the way that one is not fully awake and not fully asleep, which allowed free thoughts to flow. Have you ever had that experience? Sometimes, those thoughts are happy, and sometimes disturbing. 

For me, this time, they were peaceful, happy thoughts. Of course, we all suffer in this life, but shouldn’t our life’s work be to transmute suffering into happiness in the end? That joyful state of mind, ready for our spiritual birth into the next world and feeling a sense of divine happiness, is where we all want to be when the close of this physical life approaches, as the Baha’i teachings suggest:

The mind and spirit of man advance when he is tried by suffering. The more the ground is ploughed the better the seed will grow, the better the harvest will be. Just as the plough furrows the earth deeply, purifying it of weeds and thistles, so suffering and tribulation free man from the petty affairs of this worldly life until he arrives at a state of complete detachment. His attitude in this world will be that of divine happiness. Man is, so to speak, unripe: the heat of the fire of suffering will mature him. …

Through suffering he will attain to an eternal happiness which nothing can take from him. 

Those happy thoughts made me realize that for some time, I have not experienced my recurring nightmares of being in the country of my birth and trying to return to the US, but knowing that I’m stuck in that country — and as a Baha’i, that my life is in danger and I am petrified! 

Also, I haven’t had another recurring bad dream in which I’m supposed to be somewhere for an appointment, but I’m lost. The more I try to find my way, the longer the building becomes. After a long time, much effort, and struggle, I find myself out of the building, but at least a mile from where I was supposed to be. 

Yes, I know — these are anxiety dreams. The daily stresses of life pile up, and the mind and soul try to sort them out in our dream life. Maybe my anxiety dreams have dwindled because I’ve accepted my fate and look forward to my reunion with my Maker, as Baha’u’llah wrote in The Hidden Words: 

O Son of Spirit! The spirit of holiness beareth unto thee the joyful tidings of reunion; wherefore dost thou grieve? The spirit of power confirmeth thee in His cause; why dost thou veil thyself? The light of His countenance doth lead thee; how canst thou go astray?

I’ve noticed that now, most of the time, when I wake up, I’m in good spirits, feeling content and peaceful. You might think this is strange for someone with terminal cancer — but I’m so glad to be here at this point in my long journey. 

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So, I decided to make a memory lane trip back into the past and revisit those events in my life that were specifically painful when I really suffered. Amazingly, I noticed that none of those memories were painful to me now, and I also noticed that each one of them ultimately guided me to a stepping stone toward something beneficial. Thankful for my suffering, I see that it always eventually led me to a spiritual reward inside myself.

I like where I am now. I live such a burden-free life. I am glad that I am still alive, but happily anticipating my second life, too. I am gradually dropping off, one by one, the weights of emotional residue. I am walking more straightly, emotionally, and I even feel taller physically — which is strange because, due to back pain, I am a little bent over. 

I am really in a good place. Also, I am finding myself more content with the will of God for keeping me still here on this plane of existence, and I don’t resent it like I used to. I have a new, positive, and loving attitude about the people I deal with, too. It seems, because my resentment of my past is gradually melting away, without forcing myself to get rid of it, that I am finding direction in my life, no matter how short or long it may be.