What Is Love? Defining a True Baha’i Marriage

When I told my writer’s group about the upcoming 60^th anniversary of my marriage to my husband, Don, the conversation took an unexpected turn. 

Normally, when learning about someone’s long-term marriage, people want to know the “secret” to such a lasting union. But our conversation switched to the concept of love itself. We wondered: What is love?

Back home, I started to ponder that question, and it naturally led me to put my thoughts on paper to try and answer it. Of course, I could only apply my answer to our relationship because the answer will be different for every couple.

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Is love the tingling that travels throughout the body as though you’ve been struck by a bolt of lightning? Perhaps it’s the pressure in the chest that seems to push your pounding heart up into your throat until it seems that each breath becomes an Olympics-worthy feat. 

Could it be the feeling that someone lost a bevy of butterflies in your belly? Or the blather that bursts from your bedeviled mouth because the synapses in your brain misfire every time you try to speak? 

Are those the signs of love? Or lust? The answers to those questions may just lead to more questions, like: Can I trust this person with my heart? Will it last for decades? Can it soothe the spirit and sustain the soul? 

Over the past six decades, I’ve learned that love is peace in the silences, the utter comfort of physical nearness with neither need for words nor angst in their absence.

When we do share words, love is the ability to listen and hear all, with no need to interrupt to put forth our own thoughts. Rather, feast on your loved one’s words, taste them, savor them, then chew on them a bit before pronouncing your opinion or rating it with your personal set of Michelin stars.

Love is not feeling hurt that your partner doesn’t constantly speak the words “I love you” aloud because it’s evident in their actions, large and small: the encouragement they give in all your undertakings, their belief in your ability to succeed, and their support in your journey toward all your achievements, the constant offerings to choose whatever your preference may be, whether the choice of the meal, the furniture, the film, as your happiness and joy sustains the source of theirs.

Love is the non-existence of jealousy because your partner knows and trusts you implicitly.

Love is the feeling of comfort and warmth enveloping you like a soft fleece blanket that wards off all chills when you’re together or even when you just think of your life partner.

In love, though, smooth is not guaranteed; indeed, rocks and boulders are sure to be strewn at various points in the bends and twists of your path, at times bright and clear as it meanders through flower-strewn meadows but occasionally leading you through the thick brambles of a dark, forbidding forest. 

But love neither gives up nor gives in. Love finds ways to overcome each obstacle and clears a path on which to move forward, assigning no blame that the other led you astray, at least not with intention. Eventually, you emerge from the darksome place with a new appreciation for the ever-brighter light that now illuminates your relationship.

Love for your partner, when you see them as one of God’s creations, one with whose company the Creator has gifted you, may falter at times, but will never fade away.

Sixty years ago Don and I entered not just into wedlock, but into Baha’i marriage. The Baha’i marriage vow that we each spoke seems short and simple, but is, in fact, very deep. We each said before witnesses the brief verse Baha’u’llah, the prophet and founder of the Baha’i Faith, revealed in his Most Holy Book: “We will all verily abide by the will of God.” 

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How can we fail to treat our partners right if we follow God’s will? Abdu’l-Baha, the son and successor of Baha’u’llah, gave us this beautiful description of Baha’i marriage:

Baha’i marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity .…

The true marriage of Baha’is is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Baha’i marriage.

When we first met, I admired Don’s character and his value system, which led me one day to ask myself, “Why can’t I fall in love with someone like Don?” So I did. Even though all our friends tried to talk us out of marrying because they all believed we were ill-matched, saying our marriage could never be a permanent union, we didn’t heed their advice. They took bets on how long we’d last! 

Today, 60 years later, I’m happy to share how much fun it is for us to say, “Fooled ‘em, didn’t we?” I know now that it all goes back to that Baha’i vow, “We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God.”