My Big Problem: Living With a Small Concept of God

As a child, I was abused terribly by my parents. Like many small children, I believed my parents represented God.  Also, I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian culture with the harsh concept of a punishing God.  

As an adult and a Baha’i, then, I’ve faced a big challenge — trying to separate the abusive and unforgiving God of my childhood from the compassionate Supreme Being I believe in today, who is All-Loving, Ever Forgiving, All-Merciful and many other positive attributes I’m reminded of in most Baha’i prayers like this one from the Bab:

Thy loving providence hath encompassed all created things in the heavens and on the earth, and Thy forgiveness hath surpassed the whole creation. Thine is sovereignty; in Thy hand are the Kingdoms of Creation and Revelation; in Thy right hand Thou holdest all created things, and within Thy grasp are the assigned measures of forgiveness. Thou forgivest whomsoever among Thy servants Thou pleasest. Verily, Thou art the Ever-Forgiving, the All-Loving.

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Learning to accept a loving God is one of my problems, but another is asking God, nay begging Him for lots of things, many times a day, and then forgetting to give Him the time to work things out His way, with His timing. When I don’t see any change within a few hours, I sometimes take it back and try to solve the problems myself. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions by impatiently attempting to do life my way! 

In the process of all my petitions to God, I’ve come to realize that my concept of a Supreme Being is much too small.

Recently I read John Ortberg’s book, titled “If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat.” His premise begs this question: How can I be convinced that I am absolutely safe in the hands of a fully competent, all-knowing, ever-present Creator?

The Pain of Being on the Outside

We have all known the pain of being on the outside, of not being wanted when they choose teams, of being spurned by someone we love, of being forgotten by someone we thought of as a friend, or being held at arm’s length by someone in our family, maybe even our spouse. 

In school, many of us longed to “fit in,” to be “chosen” as friends, for people to play with at recess, to be picked for sports teams. When we weren’t, we felt downcast, rejected, worthless, and abandoned. How great an honor it is, then, to know that we’ve been chosen by God, that He loves us and has plans for us. This is such an important part of our healing.

First those painful things happen, and then God tells us that He has chosen us! We are wanted by God, if by no one else, as we see in this moving passage from Abdul-Baha, the son and successor of Baha’u’llah, the founder of the Baha’i Faith:

For I say unto you that He has chosen you to be His messengers of love throughout the world, to be His bearers of spiritual gifts to man, to be the means of spreading unity and concord on the earth. Thank God with all your hearts that such a privilege has been given unto you. For a life devoted to praise is not too long in which to thank God for such a favour.

Not only are we chosen by God, but His love for us is boundless and selfless, as we learn from this passage in the writings of Baha’u’llah:

Rejoice thou with great joy that We have remembered thee both now and in the past. Indeed the sweet savours of this remembrance shall endure and shall not change throughout the eternity of the Names of God, the Lord of mankind. We have graciously accepted thy devotions, thy praise, thy teaching work and the services thou hast rendered for the sake of this mighty Announcement. We have also hearkened unto that which thy tongue hath uttered at the meetings and gatherings. Verily thy Lord heareth and observeth all things.

This is such an incredible healing balm to those of us who have been used, abused, or abandoned by others.

How Can I Stop Believing It All Depends on Me?

Quotes like these, from a prayer revealed by Baha’u’llah, remind me that God’s might and power are so much bigger than mine:

Every time I lift mine eyes unto Thy heaven, I call to mind Thy highness and loftiness, and Thine incomparable glory and greatness; and every time I turn my gaze to Thine earth, I am made to recognize the evidences of Thy power and the tokens of Thy bounty.  And when I behold the sea, I find that it speaketh to me of Thy majesty, and of the potency of Thy might, and of Thy sovereignty and Thy grandeur.  And at whatever time I contemplate the mountains, I am led to discover the ensigns of Thy victory and the standards of Thine omnipotence.  

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So How Can I Live in the Security of a Big God’s Acceptance?

One of the first Baha’i teachings I had to understand was that God loved me and promised never to forsake me.  I didn’t understand this quote from Baha’u’llah when I first read it, but I knew I could trust it:

Whatever hath befallen you, hath been for the sake of God. This is the truth, and in this there is no doubt. You should, therefore, leave all your affairs in His Hands, place your trust in Him, and rely upon Him. He will assuredly not forsake you. In this, likewise, there is no doubt.  

A Supreme Being created us, in a most caring, tender, and loving manner. If we recognize that love, and acknowledge its source, we can begin to feel its impact on our hearts and souls, and for that, I am grateful!