How Can I Stop Being Critical of Others?

Has this ever happened to you? I woke up very irritated, feeling almost angry at someone and then at someone else. It is sooo easy to jump back and forth over the rope that has peace on one side and war on the other. 

There is a solution for this. As Abdul-Baha teaches us: 

When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love. Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content. Thoughts of love are constructive of brotherhood, peace, friendship, and happiness.

I’ve now spent more than a year here in my nursing home preparing for my transition to the next world — for my second birth. 

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I’ve managed to live a lot longer than I initially thought I would, and during that time, I’ve learned how easily I can go back to the past and experience all or most of the disappointment, resentment, and sense of betrayal I’ve suffered in life. 

Memory makes dying difficult.

But I have learned, by training and by my own hard work and by simply living so long, how to bring myself to the present and live in it — which requires constant vigilance. One of the reasons, I think, for our becoming and remaining critical of others is that we want them to change characteristics or behaviors. In that state of mind, it is so easy to forget all or most of the great qualities that person possesses — and to forget to focus on my own faults.

So I’ve been wondering: what’s the best way to live this life we’ve each been given? How can we relate to and interact with others in ways that make them happy and make us happy — in other words, how do we stay on the peaceful side of that rope?

When we get to know other people, most of us, if not all of us, may operate in ways that can sometimes be perceived as critical or even harmful. When we try to change another individual’s habits or attributes without having permission to do so, we put our noses in other people’s business and set ourselves up for failure, disappointment, and anger. Does this sound familiar? As a professional therapist who worked in the field for decades, I can assure you that this is a common human problem.

The irony is we might think if we keep our noses in our own business, it means that we do not care enough about that person. We could even see ourselves, in this situation, as hard-hearted or uncaring. But in my experience, this is not the correct way of thinking. We need to be there for the people in our lives when and if they need and want our help. When that happens, we can offer that help with love, respect, and the generosity of our hearts without expectation of any reciprocity or payback.

So, tired of my irritated mood, I decided to watch a comedy show. It made me laugh so hard that my physical pain increased slightly — but my negative mood disappeared! I know that I must keep that negative mood away because it isolates me emotionally from others, and I want to be with people, even if it is not face to face, and even if only in my heart. 

So I keep working on telling myself that other people’s attitudes or behavior are not my business. If what that other person does really hurts me in some way, then I have the option of continuing my relationship with that person and forgiving them or just accepting that person’s supposed shortcomings and having fun in the relationship. So my reading of the Baha’i writings, my self-talk, and the laughter generated by the comedy changed my mood. This quotation from Abdu’l-Baha always lifts me up:

All religions teach that we should love one another; that we should seek out our own shortcomings before we presume to condemn the faults of others, that we must not consider ourselves superior to our neighbors! We must be careful not to exalt ourselves lest we be humiliated.

Who are we that we should judge? … Let us therefore be humble, without prejudices, preferring others’ good to our own! 

A couple of nights ago, I had a learning or re-learning moment — an opportunity for my own spiritual growth. In my work as a therapist, I’ve always taught people with relationship challenges not to talk about their problems with others, except to their counselor or religious leader, if they trust that person’s wisdom. When people talk about their problematic relationships with their friends and family members, they offer only part of the truth and can confuse or even mislead the listener with incomplete facts. 

So when the listener offers advice, it rarely provides a sufficient solution to the problem. 

For example: a dear friend of mine who is in a seriously challenging situation regarding the health of a family member offered some information about the situation, even though I am very familiar with that family, who I’ve known for a few decades. I thought I knew enough to offer worthwhile advice, but I soon found out that I did not have all the facts I thought I had. Fortunately, my friend is very knowledgeable and wise. She accepted some of my advice, but rejected one of my tips — to my pleasure, because the result could have been possibly harmful. I am grateful to God for the wisdom of my friend in this respect and will remind myself to be careful in what I recommend to others.

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Because I’ve opted for hospice care, the cancer continues to grow. I think I’m losing my appetite because I do not get hungry and just eat very little. 

This morning I woke up with excruciating pain in the left side of my back, so I took two extra strength Tylenol and fell asleep. When I woke up at my usual time this afternoon, the pain was gone, but my energy was a little low. I felt shocked by the severity of that pain, though, and I hope and pray that I will not experience such a severe and hard-to-tolerate pain, even though I won’t be surprised, or I think I won’t be surprised if it does come. 

I do hope that those who read this will be kind and say prayers that when my time to die finally arrives, the merciful and loving Creator will make my journey short, peaceful, and free from fear and pain.