Why Divorce Should Be the Last Option

Before sharing my thoughts on this subject, I need to state that my intention is not to encourage people to stay in a bad or abusive relationship and suffer. That would be absolutely wrong. The intention is to make sure that separation is for the right reasons and that a couple have tried all avenues before deciding to separate.

The world is going through a very confusing time. It looks like the rug of morality and values has been pulled from under the foot of humanity and replaced by selfishness, self-centred attitudes and views that lead to less tolerance for others and finding the easiest way to get out of a bad situation as soon as possible.

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I believe it is time to go back to the basics and fundamental principles and values of commitment to a relationship, reexamine our expectations and attitudes to avoid a lifetime of regrets, and realize that divorce is not the only solution for remedying problems in a relationship.

As morality and values lose their influence on people, the separation rate will increase without people realizing that problems will not be solved by changing partners and geographical locations. It requires self-reflection and openness to admit and accept one’s part in the relationship’s failure.

Divorce has been discouraged in all religious writings. Here are the writings of Baha’u’llah outlining when divorce is allowed and how it should be granted.

Should resentment or antipathy arise between husband and wife, he is not to divorce her but to bide in patience throughout the course of one whole year, that perchance the fragrance of affection may be renewed between them. If, upon the completion of this period, their love hath not returned, it is permissible for divorce to take place.

I am sharing a few of my ideas on why divorce should be the last resort for ending a commitment with our life partners:

• View the relationship as a promise or serious commitment rather than a source of security and personal interest. A couple may take the marriage vows lightly and think it is just some pretty words and fail to realize that it is a promise, a covenant, and like every endeavour in life, it needs sacrifice and energy to protect and nurture this precious union that could last for eternity or at least, as the marriage vow says “until death do us part.”

Baha’i marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity.

• “Life is change, and change is life,” and that conveys the idea that change is a natural part of life. Events such as illness, death in the family, financial changes or loss of employment can significantly impact our lives. Problems may be by-products of our environment. Failing to consider the changes and challenges that Mother Time has in store for us can shake the foundation of even strong relationships. Physical and emotional changes are natural and affect people, but they are not a good reason for separation.

• Acknowledge our part in creating problems rather than blaming everything on the spouse. This requires self-knowledge, which is essential for personal growth and relationships.

• Approach marriage from a spiritual point of view. The emphasis should be on the spiritual part of marriage and not just the material life. Abdu’l-Baha explains this:

O ye two believers in God! The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.

• Hollywood and other movie industries and social media have distorted the concept of marriage by highlighting only the material aspects of marriage, such as the focus on physical attributes, with no attention to the moral and spiritual elements. It is not all romance; it is reality and requires hard work.

• It is essential to avoid the advice of those who are not in a position to judge and are biased and instead consult with the right people and institutions. During a crisis, one’s sense of judgment gets clouded because of overwhelming emotions, which can lead to wrong decisions. This is when one needs more time for meditation and self-reflection, seeking advice from trusted sources and professional counsellors to make the right decisions. Bad advice in this situation can be disastrous, and good advice can save the relationship and avoid a crisis.

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In conclusion, Baha’u’llah points out that God desires unity and harmony for humanity, and divorce is contrary to His wishes but allowed in extreme circumstances.

When the question of separation arises, two extreme courses of action are open to both parties. One is the infamous “see you in court,” where the lawyers take over the legal matters.

The other one is what Abdu’l-Baha suggested:

If divorce taketh place, the spiritual love and affection between you should increase, and ye should become like a brother and sister.

This quotation reminds us to rise above our lower nature’s temptations and choose the path of love.